So I guess I really only come on her for the sake of complaining. It feels nice to sort of write out stuff. But I don't want to bother people with it. I just want to sort of clear things.
The last couple years of my life (starting highschool till now) have been so productive in terms of my self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being.
Middle school was rough. I was young, unaware of how to even function socially and/or romantically, ugly, chubby, and hated everything about myself and life. This is not self-pity. I was, to put it excessively bluntly (but rather honestly), an obnoxious, horrible person.
I really, truly, wish I could have not been my middle school self (but who doesn't?).
I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I've made a lot of good ones. I've grown since those days. I think the thing about me is that I never stop trying, even if I'm failing miserably. All I've ever wanted was to not be lonely. To be loved. To be worth something. I couldn't give a damn if I was gorgeous or rich, had all I wanted in life and more. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere.
I was, and still am, very shy. I'm very shy and very easy to manipulate. I say sorry more than any other human being. I have moderate anxiety and it greatly reduces my chances of being friendly to someone outright, talking to someone first, IM'ing them first, friending them on facebook... God, simple things. I can't do it out of fear of rejection.
Over the years, I cut my hair to the right length, I started working out. I became reasonably attractive. I started being more confident, more friendly. I can hold conversations now without being awkward, as long as I don't initiate them. And because of this, I've felt a need to reach out and try to make, remake, or keep all the friends I currently have in my life.
But I constantly feel as though my efforts are unrewarded. I'm friendly, and I don't think I'm being creepy or annoying, and yet old friends that I've collected tend to ignore me whenever I try to spark conversation or remind them that I thought they were cool, once upon a time when I was more obnoxious and less courteous of a person.
I'm going to college now, I've lost the on-off dramatic and unhealthy relationship with my ex, moved on to a much better relationship with a guy that treats me like I'm, y'know, actually worth something and worth fighting for, and have been hammering out my mental health and other sorts of social issues to almost perfect. I've joined show band, collected good friends, and bam.
But the problem with me is I only seem to be able to hold on to friends in a minimal sort of manner. I can make them, I can't keep them. With online friends, I try to talk to them, and get mostly ignored. With real life friends, I can tell they like me, but they never contact me outside of in-real-life to hang out or anything.
This bothers me excessively.
I don't think that I'm necesarrily anything special, but I'm polite, and a lot of people tell me that I'm this ~amazing, funny~ person. But then I feel so alone all the time.
And then when people talk to me out of pity, I never know how to act, and it's just awkward. And then anxiety kicks in even more.
I just wish I knew why I'm still not good enough for even base levels of friendship. My whole life has been constantly told and treated like I wasn't good enough- my family, my ex, my buddies... How much more do I have to work to be able to even make acquaintances into friends??
Thanks for letting my droll self-examination spam your inbox.
Watching: Breaking Bad
Playing: Killing Floor, BFME, SH3